No idea why I write this

Around two or three days ago, I saw a guy wearing a very nice Swatch and I was dreaming about buying it and giving present to him after I get the job. Well, now it seems like a really stupid idea.

I don't accept what others said that he is asking for break up because of depressions. I really find it as a lame excuse. Who haven't been in depression, who haven't been suffering a lot? I have suffered from depression of not getting job for five months. My sister got into big accident with police case and I had to go to hospital to take care of my nephew for around three weeks. My work pass application has been rejected for several times. What has been worser than this in my life? I don't want to make complaints and I didn't announce anything of it to my friends or relatives or anyone.

The point I want to say is that no matter how things get tired, I never mentioned about break up. I am afraid of getting hurt  and hurting people who I love. I know exactly how it feels after sudden break up and regretting it later. If I don't really care and love him, I would have said goodbye since a long time ago when my ex-boyfriend asked me to love him back. Well, I didn't accept his request and I never will. I have been hurt so so much with deep scars by him. Even though I love him to death, I can never trust him again, also will be afraid of getting betrayed and being left behind. I really hate that feeling... it just brings me to tears whenever I think about it.

So I promise myself that I won't do that to the people who I love. And I did try my best to keep relationship with him no matter how much I feel tired and frustrated with my complicated feelings. I know I always find troubles to him, starting fights , but in the end did I make those troubles too big and start big quarrels with him.. "NO, and Never". However I think the times that we being apart and our tired mind make us feel more and more far away from each other.

Anyway.. it's his decision that I have to respect and accept. I would cry, would feel angry and sorry but I don't want to hold someone who doesn't care about my feelings. Some said he might be pretending and wants to hold me back .. he might feel confused cuz of his trouble.. But 'breaking up' is the level that I can't hold on and take it easy. It involves hurting my pride and feelings; and damaging people opinions of me.

Since the day he wrote "I don't want to love anymore", I knew and expect this to happen soon, I even wrote my thoughts about it in diary.  However , I kept comforting myself that it won't happen and trusted him. But well trust is broken now. So I really have nothing to say - "NOTHING! NOTHING MORE".

~~~~ Recently ~~~~

I have been so busy these days, trying to do my best for temporary work even though I only have 50% hope to get hired and get S Pass/Work Permit Approval in that company. In any case, what I am doing now at this job is not wasting my time and I got to upgrade my skills and also do revision of my web development knowledge.

They only asked me to do simple web-server based application, that could easily be done with the basic things I have learnt from school. However, I want to challenge myself and I am trying to learn Jquery and Ajax and applying to my application as possible as I can. And by doing the project alone by myself, I really feel that development frameworks and editing tools are really necessary to make the process faster. In application development, we have to take care of many things - from UI design, the performance (speed, usability, accessibility, etc) and the server/storage side. With framework, many things will be handled along with some customizatons. I really need to learn to work with that as I am currently just doing every page from scartch and I have a long way to go from design to data validation and sql handle events.  :(

I really hope that I can get this job. Though salary is not high as my friends and the company is small, I think I can learn many things in this environment. But well, I can just pray hard since MOM approvals are so hard to get and difficult to apply. Fighting to myself and Good Luck to myself! :)

And on top of my top, I am so addited to these two variety shows - 2 Days 1 Night , Strong Heart and also following my favourite actor,singer and MC Lee Seung Gi News. Need more than 24 hours a day seriously!

Well, I will present you a very nice song  and end the post now. Be Happy and Smile! =)