Around two or three days ago, I saw a guy wearing a very nice Swatch and I was dreaming about buying it and giving present to him after I get the job. Well, now it seems like a really stupid idea.
I don't accept what others said that he is asking for break up because of depressions. I really find it as a lame excuse. Who haven't been in depression, who haven't been suffering a lot? I have suffered from depression of not getting job for five months. My sister got into big accident with police case and I had to go to hospital to take care of my nephew for around three weeks. My work pass application has been rejected for several times. What has been worser than this in my life? I don't want to make complaints and I didn't announce anything of it to my friends or relatives or anyone.
The point I want to say is that no matter how things get tired, I never mentioned about break up. I am afraid of getting hurt and hurting people who I love. I know exactly how it feels after sudden break up and regretting it later. If I don't really care and love him, I would have said goodbye since a long time ago when my ex-boyfriend asked me to love him back. Well, I didn't accept his request and I never will. I have been hurt so so much with deep scars by him. Even though I love him to death, I can never trust him again, also will be afraid of getting betrayed and being left behind. I really hate that feeling... it just brings me to tears whenever I think about it.
So I promise myself that I won't do that to the people who I love. And I did try my best to keep relationship with him no matter how much I feel tired and frustrated with my complicated feelings. I know I always find troubles to him, starting fights , but in the end did I make those troubles too big and start big quarrels with him.. "NO, and Never". However I think the times that we being apart and our tired mind make us feel more and more far away from each other.
Anyway.. it's his decision that I have to respect and accept. I would cry, would feel angry and sorry but I don't want to hold someone who doesn't care about my feelings. Some said he might be pretending and wants to hold me back .. he might feel confused cuz of his trouble.. But 'breaking up' is the level that I can't hold on and take it easy. It involves hurting my pride and feelings; and damaging people opinions of me.
Since the day he wrote "I don't want to love anymore", I knew and expect this to happen soon, I even wrote my thoughts about it in diary. However , I kept comforting myself that it won't happen and trusted him. But well trust is broken now. So I really have nothing to say - "NOTHING! NOTHING MORE".
No comments:
Post a Comment