Thoughts at the end of 2013

It has been four years since I created this little blog. Most of the times, I wrote rubbish and childish about my feelings. There were not much reflections. I don't want to reflect either (cuz most of the times, I did mistakes and I will feel guilty if I reflect more). I want to forget everything, every memories and every moments I shared with those people I used to think were my other half. I feel really bad about things I am doing now, ignoring someone and being sarcastic to someone. But these are the things I need to do and should have done earlier not to keep getting hurt. It is time for me to wake up from this dream.. The dream that someone special will always make me happy and the dream that someone will listen and care me every time I feel so down. And this is the time for me to stand strong and not fall in love anymore. Be myself, independent and look for joyful things and chase after my dreams. My happinese will not be destroyed by others again, and I will not depend on others to feel happy too. 2014, I warmly welcome you with my new decisions and I am confident that I will do well.

Last few days ago, I finished tidying up that box. I don't know how many times I have reopened that (putting things and taking out again and again) and every time I can't help my tears flowing. I discovered the letters, the Avada movie tickets we went for first times, photos, cards and other cute cute little things. Love could be so sweet when we were facing it, and yet can be this bitter when it ends suddenly. A part of me wants to throw away that box, but a part of me is against for that idea. I don't know, but I may still keep those for years until the time I think I can let go.... like the time I threw away the things another person gave me.

 On the other hand, I feel freed. I swear I am not going to be in relationship until I finish uni, and it 's my own promise and my self-discipline. All my life, I was always getting hurt by loving people. I don't want to love anymore.. anymore... seriously...

 Anyway, Happy New Year to myself. :)

W.H.Y

ဘာလို႔လဲ..
အျမဲတမ္း ဒီလိုမ်ိဳး ခံစားေနရတာ..
လူတစ္ေယာက္ကို ႏွလံုးသားထဲမွာ ေနရာေပးျပီးတဲ့ေနာက္
ေနာက္တစ္ေယာက္ အစားထိုးဖို႔ မျဖစ္ႏိုင္ေတာ့ဘူးလား။
ဒါမွမဟုတ္ နာက်င္စရာေတြ မ်ားလြန္းလို႔
ဘယ္သူကိုမွ ေနရာမေပးႏိုင္ေတာ့တာလား။

ငါ .. သတိမရခ်င္ပါဘူး
သတိရမိတိုင္း စိတ္ပင္ပန္းရလို႔
သတိရမိတာေတာင္ အတင္း ငါ့ကိုယ္ငါ ထိန္းခ်ဳပ္ျပီး
သတိမရေအာင္ ၾကိဳးစားေနတာပါ။
ဒါေပမယ့္ ..
မသိစိတ္ က ထိန္းခ်ဳပ္ရတာ ဘာေၾကာင့္ အဲ့ေလာက္ ခက္သလဲ။
သတိမျပဳမိလိုက္ပဲ ျပန္ဖတ္မိတဲ့ chat history ေတြ
သတိမျပဳမိလိုက္ပဲ ျပန္ေတြးမိတဲ့ အရင္က အေၾကာင္းေတြ
သတိမျပဳမိလိုက္ပဲ စစ္မိတဲ့..........

ငါ တကယ္ ဘာကိုမွ မေမွ်ာ္လင့္ပါဘူး။
ငါ ဒီ အိမ္မက္ဆိုးေတြ ဒဏ္ရာေတြကေန
အျမန္ဆံုး ရုန္းထြက္ႏိုင္ဖို႔ပဲ ဆုေတာင္းမိတယ္။

Just Random Feelings
Thuzar

Just out of boredom

I have been so busy that I cannot keep up with regular blog posts. I have several things and ideas to write, but I just can't find time. Study and work is things that occupied my times mostly and the rest goes to movies, chatting and just purely being lazy. I have never been that depressed for my laziness like I am being now. Seriously, I just can't believe I studied most of the time in my 11th standard. How did I pass those days without complaining? Now study just becomes a nightmare to me, mostly because I have total 7 modules to catch up and also because the materials are too deep and wide for my little brain. :(

Anyway this week (sadly it has come to the end) is the recess week. It was given to students to do reports, study and rest. Well, what I did mostly is rest. (Good student I am, right? ^^) And I have been listening to "old but new" to me songs. So I came to know lots of Jay Chou's songs. (You can search 周杰倫 and filter for playlist , if you are interested). And I want to share this particular song that I am currently addicted to.

I hope you like this song. It has nice beat and really beautiful lyrics. Well, most of Jay Chou's songs are nice and meaningful. I hope he continues to be popular and active. :) 

Severus Snape

Recently Channel 5 aired Harry Potter series once a week and I was addicted to it again. But this time, I wanted more than watching movies so I chose reading books. Sadly, I cannot read all the books since my school is starting so I chose two favorites. Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows. This series never fails to attract me and I was again feeling very emotional by 'The Prince's Tale' chapter. I have read Deathly Hallows like four or five times. But it have never occurred to me to think and reflect for a big picture. Although I cry every time I read that chapter, it was only because I was deeply moved by Snape's unrequited love. But now, I see more.

Snape's story is pretty sad. Poor and problematic family, unpleasing appearance and his cold personality let people have bad impressions on him. In my opinion, he is normal except he likes to study Dark Magic. He likes Lily (Harry's mother) ever since they met and they have been good friends since then. However, he made unforgivable mistake on calling Lily, the person he loves so much,as 'Mudblood'. The price he had to pay for it was really huge. They turned into strangers and Lily didn't forgive (I can say more that she hated him). And once again, he unknowingly made the biggest mistake again by telling the prophecy to Lord Voldemort. He never knew what his actions might do so much harms on her. And the price this time is her death.
But there came the reason I admire him which is him getting back his senses. Many people may think it's easy to be a good person but it's not especially when you are already doing bad things. Snape became loyal to Dumbledore to protect Harry Potter. Why? The woman he loves died protecting her son and it was his fault. He put his determination, risked his life in doing so until his death. Where can we find this kind of love?
The part that make me feel moved is his conversation with Dumbledore.

“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”  From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe. She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
 “After all this time?”
 “Always,” said Snape.

While I feel sorry for Snape, I can't help realizing that it was his actions that made him suffer. And then I came to understand that sometimes the reason was me. As a selfish person I am, my pride and my greed often made me do things I wouldn't do usually. It wasn't the real me, but somehow somewhat it was me doing those. Deep inside I care so much, but I pretended like I don't give a damn. Deep inside I love you but I forced myself not to fall in love so deep. The reason I did things is because I don't want to get hurt and yet I ended up being hurt because of the things I did. In love, as Snape taught us, may be it's better to express your feelings on the spot. Never hesitate to show your affections and never let your pride cover your real intentions and feelings. Otherwise, you will lose the person you love most in this world.

           To Severus Snape - the hero of my fiction world, I will never never get over your unrequited love for Lily Evan. I don't know whether I can really love a person like that. From my personal experience, my pride won't allow me to do so. But still, I believe in that kind of love ...

KTZT

Definition of my happiness

Last night, I was thinking about what are the happiness for me. I close my eyes and I see those moments living with my family, hanging out with my friends and the moments with him. And I think about when do I feel happy in Singapore. And  I hesitate because I have never been so happy here for most of the times. There are times I feel good and happy such as hanging out with friends and playing around with nephews. But those are rare. Indeed we can only meet like two or three times a week. Most of the times, the boring routine of going to work, staying at home and passing time by watching movies and doing housework consumes me a lot. It goes on and goes on and my whole body becomes inactive to outgoing activities and my personalities changed.

I was really outgoing person back in 2008. Since my childhood, I rarely stayed at home for the whole day. When my family bought a computer and I started learning typing, drawing pictures and games, I somehow hooked up to it. But it didn't last long and I was back to playing around with neighbours. And I think this is what makes me feel empty here - neighbours are really strangers. And the faces of people are too rigid to give a smile. My outgoing personality has also changed and I might become alien if I go back and live in Myanmar. The current me is unlike the real me. That's what struck me last night as I realized I am lacking the real happiness.. being happy most of the times and having carefree and peaceful mind like I used to be.

I know I still can't affort to go back to Myanmar to work and have a simple life. Though it was my parent's decision that I studied in RP, now it is my decision to study in NTU. It was also my greed to attend the university here. Though I can get a degree in Myanmar, I don't want to go back to the learning environment with insufficient resources. Though I have to struggle here with part time job, I rather choose here for better future. That also means that I will lose some of my happiness , but may be I can find my life motivation in University.

The happiness I want most is not easy to achieve right now. It may take more than five years or may be even more. What I can hope for best is for my parents to stay healthy and wealthy as I am gonna need their support for the coming four years. Millions bilions of gratitude towards my parents. No matter what, I swear I will go back to Myanmar and settle down there.

28.6.2013
Khin Thuzar Thin

My Beautiful Memories

My childhood memories are mostly good ones, though there were also bad things occured. 
When I was about 5, I remembered my  eldest sister loved me a lot. My daily routine at that time was to  go to school at morning, go to tuition at evening and watch movie and sleep at night :). Weekends were my favorite times as I usually played with my friend near my home, Pyi Pyi which was two years younger than me. 

 When I was grade 3, I moved to my aunt house which is in  Ahlone with my sisters. They were preparing to sit matric exam and so my parents decided to let them study at my aunt's house. As my mother was doing business at that time, there was no one to care me at home. So, I followed my sisters who cared me most at that time. Living at my aunt's house was fun. After school and tuition, I usually played with my three nephews who were about three years  younger than me. I received my tom-boy behaviours from them. They were so naughty at that time. If they were angry, they fought back to the one they were mad at. Usually, we played together by doing Power Rangers. :) I was pink power ranger.. :D  

One year passed quickly, and I was at home again. My relatives from Taiwan started to contact with my parents and they sent us a lot of presents at that time including clothes for me, a video camera, a digital dictionary , etc. I liked their presents a lot. My father used to play with the camera a lot. He shot so many scenes. On my birthday at that year, we made Kyauk Kyaw Juice and he shot it. After that, I went to Playground with my friend and he also shot  it. We still have that video clip. :) And at night, my father bought a birthday cake and my family sang "Happy Birthday song" for me. One of my life best moments it is. 

 The years after I was grade 5 were not very good. When I was grade 5, I met with a friend called "Wityi" who is now my best best friend. We went to same tuition. In weekends, I usually stayed and played at her house till 10pm. :D .. My family didn't like it . They worried about me and my brother would always come and fetch me at night. We played many games every weekend nights. It is embrassing to say that I always lost in most of the games. 

I was with Wityi everyday since the day we met. Though we were in different schools, we were best friends. We went to different tuitions most of the years. But in summer, we usually attended Sayar U Soe Min English classes. I always feel happy when I am with Wityi . Yet we have quarreled a lot and also didn't called each other for sometimes, but still we are best friends. She always tell me about her feelings & experiences and so do I . When I was bullied by others, she protected me. She is like a sister and a friend to me. Miss her a lot.. :( 

 There were typically five occasions I am always  enthusiastic about. Starting from January, Chinese New Year, Thingyan , Thadingyut, my school awarding ceremony  and (Hna Kyate Shithsu Pwe ) which is usually held around december or January. I always  feel happy at those times.. :) 
Now, I think I can only celebrate Chinese New Year or Thigyan  in Myanmar next year. Being apart with home which I love most is really a kind of painfulness. 

Unrequited Love

I am currently hooked up with another drama called A Gentleman's Dignity . It's really hilarious. So the drama focus on unrequited love of the main actress to her friend, and the main actor to the main actress. And it just reminds me of... my own story.

I was in Grade 7 when I first knew him. It was not love at first sight. The first day we met, we were fighting silently with our badminton skills. I think it's his smile I fell for.I couldn't speak to him when I knew I liked him. At that time, writing in 'Auto' book was trend. So I asked my friend's help to let him write in my book. His handwriting was pretty. What he wrote was just a popular poem. I don't remember the exact words but the meaning is "Don't let the stone 'LOVE' destroys your ship 'Education' in life." Something like that. Our friendship wasn't that good and also not that bad. 

Another year passed, and it seemed like he noticed I liked him. His manners changed whenever he saw me. It's like acting cool. But it became so annoying as time passed. Neglect and awkwardness were all I got from him. My pride was somehow hurt. But I was not the age to think and care about pride, attitudes, family background, etc. All I know was I like him and I simply hoped he would like me someday. 

Though most of the times we just exchanged our glances, there were times I can never forget. If you have watched the korean drama 'My Girl', there was a famous scene in it where people see the person they love when they open their eyes after counting to ten. I did it during a festival. Among so many people, I closed my eyes and counted 1,2,3...,10 and I opened my eyes. Seconds later I was temporarily stunned because in front of my eyes, he was standing with his friends staring at me and he might probably wondering what the hell this girl was doing. My mind just went black and the last thing I knew was me running so fast and finding it hard to accept things that just happend. I was just testing out drama sayings and why this thing got to be so damn true at that time. 

Things got worse when I moved to the place nearer to his house. He was in a boy group and they always intentionally walked in front of my house, making noises and alarming me. He walked like he didn't care, but his friends turned their heads to check me out. The neighbourhood boys started teasing me with him. So irritating! This was when I started to ignore him and this was when another person came into my mind slowly. My unrequited love just began to fade away like that. 

May be in his mind, he liked me a tiny bit out of sympathy. But he just had no interest in me. And also things just won't work out between us. The more I know him, the more I realize it was just his appearance that attracted me, not his mind or his manners. 

However, I still feel sad whenever I hear about one-sided love. I don't know why, I don't understand my mind. May be because I never had a chance to confess him. Or may be because he didn't like me back and it hurted my self-esteem. But I don't hate him, and I still talk to him sometimes. Because I am curious to who he will love someday and devotes himself. :) 

My Once Best Friend

It was during my grade 6 school days, she and I were inseparable friends. She has tomboy characters and she cannot get along with most of friends. Since the start of school days, we have been getting along so well. She has the milky skin that I always envy. When I asked her why her skin is so white and beautiful, she said she shower with milk. Well I did believe it that time. She likes to make up stories and I always believe those.  I liked being with her, I liked sharing food with her and I really liked her. But at that time, I had another close friend called Zu Zu from different class who was separated from me for that school year. So, I mostly went to another class looking for Zu Zu. When the classes end, I also went to look for Zu Zu. So she was not happy with that. The thing about me is I want to be friends with many people. It's not about loyalty , I am loyal to all of my best friends. It's just I like making many friends.

I don't remember how things went wrong, but I remembered one day we had a big fight. I can't recall the reason I was angry, but I remembered I threw all the things on the desk and shouted her. Such a bad temper I had back then. And last thing I know is that we didn't talk with each other and I went out with other friends. I regretted and wanted to make up. But fate wasn't on my side. Her grades went down and we were in different classes next year. However I visited her and talked to her. But there were awkwardness and I didn't know how to fix that somehow broken friendship. It was very sad. The worse thing is she has no anger left. I think she made her mind to keep a distance with me and I can never reach close to her. Still then, I went around classes and talked with her. After matriculation exam, I lost many contacts and till now I haven't met with her again. But the guilt I feel still exists. I want to meet her, I want to tell her how much I felt sorry. And I want to tell her that fighting with her was the most regrettable action I did in my life. That my personality somehow changed and I dare not to use violence and speak bad words to people any more. I am afraid to lose because I know how bad is the feeling of regret.

And this friend who I always remember, I hope she still remembers me. A beautiful name she has which is called 'Yin Yin'. Someday in somewhere, I wish the fate to bring us together.

Update =3

O_o.. It's almost about two months I didn't write any posts. Has been losing myself with family matters, house moving, and many occasions. Most of them were good moments and some were really bad.

So.. I am 21 this 11th May and I celebrated fully for it.
1.  Blood Donation for both of us birthdays (I fulfilled my last year wish at last!)
2. Offerings of fruits, water, snacks and candle light to Buddha in early morning on my birthday
3. Home cooked food and a small quiet celebration
4. Outgoing with my friends and had a fun time together ^_^

Not so say birthday wishes from others and my two most important persons in my life. This is the first time to hear his birthday wish. And I hope that won't be the last time.

Good news came and I might be enrolling to NTU if things goes well according to as I hoped. I really have to get the two loans and make things work out, if not I might have to return to workforce. Please let me have some good luck...

So we were talking over phone last Sat and he said he felt sad waking up every morning and realized I am not by his side. I know it sounds cheesy but I believe in him 100% because I am feeling the same too. It's not waking up though. Going to bed every night thinking of him, and again feeling sad and miss his presence.. .. people would think it's too much. But we both know that both of us are not lying.
Sometimes I think I am being too selfish making him suffer in this way. His life was peaceful before I came in. I don't know whether my love is just pure or selfish. Because every step I take for my life is like taking a step further away from his. Life isn't easy for him and I feel like I am making it harder for him. But then, part of me hopes that it's be good and enough if I am a source of happiness and comfort to him as he is to me. Please fate, bring us closer and make better situations for us. :) 

အျပစ္မျမင္

ဒီသီခ်င္းကို အခုတေလာ အရမ္း ခံစားျဖစ္ေနတယ္။ အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ လူတစ္ေယာက္ကို ဘယ္ေလာက္ထိေျပာင္းလဲပစ္ေစႏိုင္လဲ။ ၾကည္ႏူးရတဲ့ အခိုက္အတန္႔ေတြ ရွိသလုိ စိတ္ညစ္ရတဲ့အခိုက္အတန္႔ေတြလည္း ရွိခဲ့တယ္။ ကိုယ့္ဘက္က အမွား မပါေပမယ့္ သူ႔ဘက္က ျဖစ္ေစခ်င္တဲ့အရာကို မလုပ္ႏိုင္ခဲ့ေတာ့ သူစိတ္ညစ္မွာေပါ့..။ တျခားသူသာဆို ေဒါသထြက္မိလိမ့္မယ္။ အခုေတာ့ ၀မ္းနည္းရတယ္။ သူလည္းပဲ ခံစားေနရတာ နားလည္ေနလို႔..။ သူ ကိုယ့္ကုိ အလုိမက်လို႔ စိတ္တိုတဲ့အခါ သူ႔ကိုယ္သူ ပုိျပီး စိတ္တိုအျပစ္တင္ေနမွာ ..မျမင္ရ မေျပာျပေပမယ့္ အလိုလို နားလည္မိေနတာကိုး... ။ အျပစ္မျမင္ပါဘူး.. အရာရာ နားလည္မွဳေတြနဲ႔ပါ..

ေနာက္တစ္ခါ ေနာက္တစ္ခါ ဒီလိုမ်ိဳး မျဖစ္ေစရပါဘူး...



အခ်စ္က အသိခက္တဲ့ ကဗ်ာေလးပဲ
ခြင့္လႊတ္ခ်စ္တတ္ေအာင္ တို႔ ၾကိဳးစားၾကည့္တယ္
လွ်ိဳ႕၀ွက္ခ်က္မ်ားစြာထဲမွာ အျမဲတမ္း တ၀ဲလည္လည္
မွားလည္းေလ မွားပါေစေတာ့ကြယ္ ~~~

Grown Up & Mature or Spoiled & Crazier?

ဆယ္တန္းတုန္းက ဓာတုေဗဒ သင္တဲ့ ဆရာမ ေဒၚၾကည္ၾကည္၀င္း ေျပာခဲ့တဲ့ စကား တစ္ခြန္းရွိတယ္။
ဒီတစ္သက္ လုပ္ခဲ့ဖူးတဲ့ အရာေတြထဲမွာ ေနာင္တအရဆံုး အရာတစ္ခု ရွိတယ္တဲ့။ အဲဒါက ေမာင္ႏွမေတြနဲ႔ လက္တည့္စမ္းျပီး အရက္ တစ္ခါ စမ္းေသာက္ခဲ့တာတဲ့။ ဘုရားမၾကိဳက္တဲ့အရာ.. အကုသိုလ္ေတြ လုပ္ဖုိ႔ လွဳံေဆာ္ေပးႏုိင္ဆံုး အရာ တစ္ခု ကို သူ လုပ္ခဲ့မိတာ ေနာင္တအရဆံုးတဲ့။

အဲဒီ စကား ၾကားျပီး ေနာက္ပိုင္း ငါ အရက္နဲ႔ ပတ္သတ္တာေတြ လံုး၀ မေသာက္ဘူးလို႔ ဆံုးျဖတ္ခ်က္ ခ်ထားခဲ့တယ္။ ဒါေပမယ့္ ခုေနာက္ပိုင္း အေတြးအေခၚေတြ ေျပာင္းလာတယ္ စိတ္ဓာတ္ေတြ ေျပာင္းလာတယ္။ လက္တည့္စမ္းခ်င္တဲ့ စိတ္ဆိုတာ ဒါမ်ိဳး ေနမယ္။ ျပီးေတာ့ "Learn to socialize" ဆိုတဲ့ စကားေနာက္ကြယ္မွာ ပုန္းျပီး စမ္းသပ္မိတယ္။

ခုထိေတာ့ အရက္မေသာက္ဖူးေသးပါဘူး။ အရက္နံ႔ကို မခံႏိုင္ဘူး။ ဒါေပမယ့္ ဘီယာ၊ ၀ိုင္ နဲ႔ ထန္းရည္  ေတာ့ စမ္းျပီးျပီ။ ၀ိုင္ကေတာ့... ျပန္သတိမရခ်င္တဲ့ ေန႔ တစ္ေန႔ မွာ စေသာက္ဖူးတယ္။ ဘီယာကေတာ့ လြန္ခဲ့တဲ့ ႏွစ္ရက္ေလာက္က ေသာက္ၾကည့္တယ္။ ဘီယာဆိုေပမယ့္ Fruit Beer ပါ.. ဒါေပမယ့္လည္း နည္းနည္း ခါးတာပဲ။ ၀ုိင္နဲ႔ ဘာမွ မျဖစ္ေပမယ့္ ဘီယာကေတာ့ သံုးငံုေလာက္ဆို စမူးေနျပီ။ အိမ္မွာ ေသာက္လို႔ ေတာ္ေသးတယ္။ သူကေတာ့ ေျပာတယ္ အဲဒါ မေသာက္ဖူးေတာ့ အူရိုင္းသြားျပီး မူးတာတဲ့..။ မူးေနလို႔လားမသိဘူး အဲ့ဒီေန႔က ေတာ္ေတာ္ စကားေျပာတယ္။

အခု ျပန္စဥ္းစားၾကည့္ေတာ့ လူက ၂၀ေက်ာ္ေနျပီ.. ရင့္က်က္တာလည္း မဟုတ္ေသးပါဘူး။.. အမွားေတြလည္း ဆက္တုိက္လုပ္ေနတုန္း။ ျပီး ဘာမဆို စမ္းသပ္ခ်င္ေနတဲ့ စိတ္ရွိလာတယ္.. ျဖစ္ေသးဘူး.. ဘီယာ အဆင့္နဲ႔ ရပ္ထားရမယ္။.. အရက္ေတာ့ မခံႏိုင္ဘူး..
လူက ပ်က္စီးဖုိ႔ လမ္းအစမွာ ရပ္မိေနတယ္။ ဘာေတြ ျဖစ္ေနလဲ ကိုယ့္ကုိယ္ကို သိတယ္။ ေနာက္မဆုတ္ေနေပမယ့္ ေရွ႔ေတာ့ မတိုးႏိုင္ဘူး။ မၾကာခင္ လမ္းလႊဲေပၚလာမွာပါ .. အခ်ိန္ကို ေစာင့္ရမွာေပါ့။

Feeling blues

I didn't call him last night. It made my heart painful... I know he would be wondering and worrying about me by now ... But  I had to do that cuz I was so out of control last night.. and I can't risk him hearing my voice and sensing my troubled mind. If he asked me why my voice is like that... I am afraid to tell him truth.. and if I said 'nothing'.. he will get mad at me secretly..  He won't show his anger immediately, but after days later.. he will turn back to it and ask again. Oh boy.. sometimes the way you being serious about little things, when others may think it childish.. it makes me adore u more. As it is because u care so much and being sincere about me.

And here I am again... everyday having troulbe with the fear of losing you someday..

I don't want to ask many things in my life... I just wanna have a peaceful life with you in my future. May my love give me courage to overcome all the difficulties ahead.

All about you

Last night, I cried so much to the extent that I couldn't even breathe properly. I know this time, it's just temporary seperation. But I'm afraid it will turn out like last time... Can't you see my ultimate fear of losing you? Every night I go to bed missing you, I miss your hug and I recall the time I held you in my arms and not wanting to let you go. I miss you terribly.

Love is somehow selfish. Of course in the progress, we learn to sacrifice, sympathize, share and give up for each other. But the fear of losing you begins with the desire of possesing you --  to be with you every day and want your love to be only for me. I'm frightened by my love now. I am worried that I won't be able to endure the pain if I have to let you go one day by uncontrollable reasons and situations. I am worried my love would burden you one day and try to control your freedom without me realizing it. I am worried of my ego, my anger and my other half which could hurt you.

You know what is happening to me through my voice, and you always try to comfort me and make me happy when I'm down. It really made me feel warm when you tried to lift my mood by singing that song. I promise I'll be happy for you.

You like to exaggerate but you never tell words that's not from your heart. The best part of you is you don't pretend even if it takes making people think bad of you. The same goes for how you treated me back then. You didn't pretend like you still cared for me after we parted for a year. After all these years, I am the only who pretends and have doubts on you. But now,I know you are not lying to me and that you really love me and care for me. I have no doubts and I believe in our mutual love that is so deep, true and beautiful.

ထိေတြ႔ျခင္း အႏုပညာ

It reminds me so much of him....

I really really miss every seond of the moments I were with you..

ခ်စ္သူရည္းစားျဖစ္စမွာ လူအမ်ားစုက တစ္ေယာက္ကိုတစ္ေယာက္ ထိေတြ႔ဖို႔အတြက္ ဘယ္လိုစရမွန္းမသိ ေခါင္းစားတတ္္ၾကတယ္။ ေယာက္်ားေလးက ကိုယ့္အျပဳအမူ ရိုင္းစိုင္းသြားမွာကို စိုးရိမ္တယ္။ မိန္းကေလးက ေယာက္်ားေလး ကိုယ့္ကိုအထင္ေသးသြားမွာကို စိုးရိမ္တယ္။ တစ္ေယာက္ကိုတစ္ေယာက္ ထိေတြ႔တာကို ေယာက္်ားေလးဖက္က စတင္သင့္ပါတယ္။ ခ်စ္သူအျမင္မွာ ကိုယ့္အျပဳအမူ မရိုင္းစိုင္းရေအာင္ ထိေတြ႔တဲ့အႏုပညာတခ်ဳိ႕ မွ်ေဝလိုက္ပါတယ္။

လက္နဲ႔ ထိေတြ႔တဲ့အႏုပညာ

(၁) မ်ဥ္းၾကားျဖတ္ကူးခ်ိန္မွာ “လာ.. မီးနီေတာ့မယ္”ဆိုၿပီး သူ႔လက္ကိုတဲြၿပီး မ်ဥ္းၾကားျဖတ္ကူးႏိုင္တယ္။

(၂) ေလွ၊ သဗၺာန္ေပၚက ဆင္းခ်ိန္၊ ဒါမွမဟုတ္ မညီညာတဲ့လမ္းေပၚ ေလွ်ာက္တဲ့အခ်ိန္ ကိုယ့္လက္ကို အလိုအေလွ်ာက္ ကမ္းၿပီး “လာ.. သတိထား.. ငါ့လက္ကိုဆဲြ လဲက်တတ္တယ္” လို႔ ေျပာႏိုင္တယ္။

(၃) လူေတြတိုးေဝွ႔ခ်ိန္ “လူကဲြသြားမွာစိုးတယ္.. ငါ့လက္ကိုတဲြထား” လို႔ ေျပာႏိုင္တယ္။ တကယ္လို႔ သူက ရွက္ကိုးရွက္ကန္းလုပ္ေနရင္ သူ႔လက္ကို ဖ်တ္ခနဲတဲြထားႏိုင္တယ္။ တကယ္လို႔ သင့္ကို သူတကယ္ႏွစ္သက္ရင္ လက္ရုန္းခ်င္ဟန္ေဆာင္ၿပီး ၿငိမ္သြားလိမ့္မယ္။ တကယ္လို႔ လက္အတဲြမခံရင္ မတဲြပါနဲ႔။ သူ႔ဆႏၵကို ဦးစားေပး ေလးစားလိုက္ပါ။ ဒါဟာ သင္ေပ်ာ့ည့ံတယ္လို႔ သေဘာမေဆာင္ပါဘူး။

(၄) ထိုင္ရာက သူထရပ္ဖို႔ျပင္ခ်ိန္ “လာ.. ငါတဲြထမယ္”ဆိုၿပီး လက္ကိုတဲြထႏိုင္တယ္။

(၅) သူနဲ႔ လက္ဖဝါးအႀကီးအငယ္ခ်င္း တိုင္းၾကည့္ႏိုင္ၿပီး သူ႔လက္က ခ်စ္စရာေကာင္းေၾကာင္း ေျပာႏိုင္တယ္။

(၆) သင့္လက္ေကာက္ဝတ္ သူ႔ကိုဆဲြေစၿပီး အားစမ္းကစားႏိုင္တယ္။

(၇) လကၡဏာၾကည့္ႏိုင္တယ္။ ဒီနည္းက ရိုးၿပီး ေဟာင္းေနၿပီဆိုေပမယ့္ အက်ဳိးရွိပါတယ္။ တကယ္လို႔ လကၡဏာပညာကို သင္အနည္းအက်ဥ္း ေလ့လာထားတယ္ဆိုရင္ ငါးမိနစ္ေျပာရံုနဲ႔ သူ႔ကိုစိတ္ဝင္တစားျဖစ္ေစႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

ပုခံုးနဲ႔ ထိေတြ႔တဲ့အႏုပညာ

(၁) ေနာက္ေက်ာဖက္မွာ ကားလာတဲ့အခါ “ကားလာေနတယ္”ဆိုၿပီး သူ႔ပုခံုးကို ညင္ညင္သာသာ ထိႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၂) ဒါန္းစီးတဲ့အခ်ိန္ “လာ.. တြန္းေပးမယ္”ဆိုၿပီး သူ႔ပုခံုးကို သာသာေလးကိုင္ တြန္းႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၃) စားေသာက္ဆိုင္ေရွ႕ေရာက္တဲ့အခါ သူ႔ပုခံုးကို သာသာေလးပုတ္ၿပီး “ဒီဆိုင္ဆိုရင္ မဆိုးဘူး ထင္တယ္ေနာ္!” လို႔ေမးပါ။ တကယ္လို႔ သူသေဘာတူရင္ သူ႔ပံုခံုးကို သာသာေလးဖက္ၿပီး အတူတူဝင္သြားႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၄) ေလေအးေလးတိုက္လို႔ပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္၊ မိုးဖဲြဖဲြရြာလိုပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ သင့္အျပင္အကႌ်ကိုခၽြတ္ၿပီး သူ႔ပုခံုးေပၚ အသာေလးတင္ေပးႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၅) အေဆာက္အဦးကို မိတ္ဆက္ေျပာျပတဲ့အခါျဖစ္ျဖစ္၊ ေရွးေဟာင္းပစၥည္းကို မိတ္ဆက္ေပးတာပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ ဘယ္လက္ကို သူ႔ပံုခံုးေပၚတင္ၿပီး ညာလက္နဲ႔ထိုးျပ မိတ္ဆက္ေပးႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၆) ကစားကြင္းမွာ ခ်ားရဟတ္စီးတာပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္၊ ဒျမသေဘၤာစီးတာပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ သူ႔လက္ကို တင္းတင္းဆုပ္ကိုင္ထားႏိုင္သလို သူ႔ပုခံုးကို ဖက္ထားႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၇) ျမက္ခင္းျပင္ေပၚထိုင္ၿပီး သူထလာတဲ့အခါ “ဟာ.. ဒီမွာေပသြားၿပီ”ဆိုၿပီး လက္နဲ႔ သာသာေလး သူ႔တင္ပါးကို ပုတ္ေပးႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

မွတ္ထားရမွာက ထိေတြ႔တဲ့အျပဳအမူက သဘာဝက်ၿပီး ညင္သာရပါမယ္။ စကားအေျပာအဆိုလည္း သဘာဝက်ၿပီး ေပါ့ပါးရပါမယ္။ စိတ္လႈပ္ရွားတာမ်ဳိး၊ တုန္လႈပ္တာမ်ဳိး မရွိရပါဘူး။ မိန္းကေလးေတြက ပထမဆံုးအႀကိမ္ ေယာက္်ားေလးနဲ႔ ထိေတြ႔ဆက္ဆံတာမို႔ စိတ္လႈပ္ရွား၊ တုန္လႈပ္ေနၿပီးသားပါ။ ရင္ထဲမွာ သင့္ကိုတကယ္ႏွစ္သက္တယ္ဆိုရင္ သင္ထိေတြ႔တာကို သူေဗြယူမွာမဟုတ္ပါဘူး။ ေနာက္တစ္ႀကိမ္ သင္ဒီလုိလုပ္ဖို႔ကို သူေမွ်ာ္လင့္တတ္ပါေသးတယ္။ ဒါေပမယ့္ သင့္အျပဳအမူ၊ သင့္စကားအေနအထား၊ သင့္ဟန္ပန္ေတြက သူ႔ခံစားခ်က္ကို အမ်ားႀကီး အက်ဳိးသက္ေရာက္ေစႏိုင္ပါတယ္။ တကယ္လို႔ သင္အျပဳအမူေတြက သဘာဝမက်ေနဘူးဆိုရင္ သူလည္း အေနရခက္တာမ်ဳိး၊ သင့္ကို ျငင္းဆန္တာမ်ဳိးေတြ ျဖစ္တတ္ပါတယ္။

ေအာက္က အခ်က္ေတြက သင့္ကိုသူႏွစ္သက္ေစမယ့္၊ သင္လုပ္ရတာ သဘာဝက်ေစမယ့္ အခ်က္ေတြျဖစ္ပါတယ္။

တျခားအစိတ္အပိုင္းနဲ႔ ထိေတြ႔တဲ့အႏုပညာ

(၁) သူ႔ေခါင္းကို ပြတ္သပ္တယ္။ လက္ေခ်ာင္းနဲ႔ သူ႔ဆံပင္ေတြကို သပ္တင္ေပးတယ္။ ဒါမွမဟုတ္ လက္ေခ်ာင္းနဲ႔ သူ႔ဆံပင္ကို ဖြတယ္။ တကယ္လို႔ သူအမူအရာက ရွက္ကိုးရွက္ကန္းျဖစ္ေနၿပီး ျငင္းဆန္တဲ့ အရိပ္အေယာင္မျပဘူးဆိုရင္ ေနာက္တစ္ႀကိမ္မွာ ဒီထက္ထိေတြ႔ႏိုင္ဖို႔ သင္အခြင့္ရပါတယ္။

(၂) သူ႔လက္ကို ကုိင္တြယ္ခ်ိန္မွာ သူ႔လက္ေခ်ာင္း၊ လက္ဆစ္ေတြကိုလည္း ပြတ္သပ္ကုိင္တြယ္ႏိုင္ပါတယ္။ အမွတ္မထင္တဲ့ ခံစားမႈမ်ဳိး သူ႔ကိုခံစားေစႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၃) သူ႔ႏွာေခါင္းကို သာသာေလး ညစ္ကိုင္ႏိုင္တယ္။ ျငင္းဆန္စိတ္ဝင္သြားတဲ့ခံစားမႈမ်ဳိး သူ႔ကို ခံစားေစႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

(၄) လက္ညိဳးနဲ႔ သူ႔နဖူးကိုထိကို “ေတာ္ေတာ္ဆိုးတဲ့ ခ်ာတိတ္မ”လို႔ သူ႔ကိုရယ္ေအာင္ စႏိုင္ပါတယ္။

သတိထားရမွာက အထက္ကအခ်က္ေတြနဲ႔ အေျခခံထိေတြ႔မႈကို သင့္ေတာ္တဲ့ပတ္ဝန္းက်င္နဲ႔ သင့္ေတာ္တဲ့ အေျခအေနမွာ ျပဳလုပ္ရမွာျဖစ္တယ္။ ဥပမာ- စိတ္ထိခိုက္ဝမ္းနည္းတဲ့ ရုပ္ရွင္ကားမ်ဳိးၾကည့္ေနခ်ိန္မွာ လုပ္လို႔မရပါဘူး။ တကယ္လို႔ ပတ္ဝန္းက်င္သင့္ေတာ္ၿပီး ရိုမန္တစ္ဆန္တဲ့ အသက္အေငြ႔မ်ဳိး သင္ထည့္ႏိုင္ရင္ မိန္းကေလး စိတ္ဆိုးလိမ့္မွာမဟုတ္ဘူး။ ဒါေပမယ့္ အသက္ႀကီးပိုင္း ရင့္က်က္တဲ့ မိန္းကေလးမ်ဳိးဆိုရင္ သင္ရိုမန္တစ္ဆန္စရာ သိပ္မလိုပါဘူး။

မူရင္း-- http://www.rs66.com/a/3/57/27524_3.html

Credit: Translation by 99 Sanay

အခ်စ္ဆုိတာ..

အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ တစ္ေယာက္နဲ႔တစ္ေယာက္ အေဝးေရာက္ေနတုန္း အခ်င္းခ်င္းဆက္တဲ့ဖုန္းျဖစ္တယ္။ လြမ္းဆြတ္ေဝးကြာေနတဲ့ ႏွလံုးသားတစ္စံုကို နီးကပ္ေစတယ္။

အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ ေရဆာေနတုန္း ေသာက္ရတဲ့ေရတစ္ေပါက္ျဖစ္တယ္။ ပင္ပန္းေနတုန္း ေသာက္ရတဲ့ေရေႏြးၾကမ္းတစ္ခြက္ျဖစ္တယ္။ စိတ္ညစ္အားငယ္ေနတုန္း ႏွစ္သိမ့္အားေပးတဲ့စကားျဖစ္တယ္။စိတ္တိုေဒါသထြက္တုန္း ေနာက္ေျပာင္တဲ့ဟာသျဖစ္တယ္။ စိတ္မၾကည္လင္တုန္း နမ္း႐ႈံ႕လိုက္တဲ့ ပန္းကေလးတစ္ပြင့့္ျဖစ္တယ္။

အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ စိတ္ေနစိတ္ထားတစ္ခုျဖစ္တယ္။ ႏွင္းဆီတစ္ပြင့္ပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္၊ စိန္လက္စြပ္တစ္ကြင္းပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ လွပတဲ့အခ်စ္ကို ပိုင္ဆိုင္ႏိုင္တယ္။ အခ်င္းခ်င္းၾကည့္တ့ဲ အၾကည့္ထဲကေန ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္မႈကိုရေစတယ္။

အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ ယံုၾကည္မႈတစ္မ်ဳိးျဖစ္တယ္။ ဘယ္လိုပခံုးမ်ဳိးကိုမီွရမယ္ဆုိတာ သင္သိတယ္။ ဘယ္လိုရင္ခြင္မွာအိပ္မွ အိပ္ေပ်ာ္မယ္ဆိုတာကို သူသိတယ္။

အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ ဘဝတစ္မ်ဳိးျဖစ္တယ္။ မခဲြမခြာ၊ ဒိုးတူေပါက္ဖက္၊ လက္ခ်င္းယွက္ၿပီး ေလျပင္းမုန္တိုင္းေတြကို အတူတူရင္ဆိုင္တယ္။ ႏွစ္ၾကာေလ အဖိုးတန္ေလျဖစ္တဲ့ ႏွစ္ခ်ဳိ႕ဝိုင္ျဖစ္တယ္။

တကယ္ေတာ့ အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ မထင္မွတ္၊ ေမွ်ာ္လင့္မထားတဲ့အခ်ိန္မွာ သင့္လက္ကိုေႏြးေထြးေစၿပီး သင့္ႏွလံုးသားကို လႈပ္ရွားေစတဲ့အရာျဖစ္ပါတယ္။ ေႏြမိုးေဆာင္းအေျပာင္းအလဲၾကားမွာ အတူတူ တေျဖးေျဖးအိုမင္းသြားတာျဖစ္တယ္။ အခ်စ္က အဲဒီေလာက္ ရိုးရွင္းခဲ့ပါတယ္။

အခ်စ္ကို အမ်ဳိးမ်ဳိးဖဲြ႔ဆိုၾကတယ္။

ႏူးႏူးညံ့ညံ့ဖဲြ႔ဆိုတဲ့အခ်စ္က ခ်ဳိၿမိန္တယ္၊ ရင္ကိုၾကည္ႏူးေစတယ္။
ၾကမ္းၾကမ္းတမ္းတမ္းဖဲြ႔ဆိုတဲ့အခ်စ္က ရက္စက္တယ္၊ ရင္ကိုထိရွနာက်င္ေစတယ္။

သင္ေရာ.. အခ်စ္ကို ဘယ္လိုဖဲြ႔ဆိုခ်င္သလဲ?

(Credit: ႏိုင္းႏိုင္းစေန ဘာသာျပန္မွ) 

Scattered thoughts

9 holidays in Myanmar was really really short. I still can't adjust with my work after holidays. If I were brave enough, I just wanted to quit everything here and stay at Myanmar by going against my family. :( Well I am not brave enough and I can't do things that could make my mum sad.

I don't know what I am doing is right or wrong. I can't see the future, and I am afraid of future. I see no hope in this journey. This isn't a dark road, but I feel so blacked out.
But I am trying my best.... I am trying my best.

Even if all people in this world hate you,blame you and abandon you, I'll be on your side. I may not understand you fully, I may not know whether you are right or wrong, but I won't ignore you, abandon you and will always be with you. Even if I can't be with you physically, please know that my mind is always with you... always...

I wonder whether we are just foolish or being "two bodies one mind"....
I knew we would meet this time as I kept having dreams about you....
You told me it was coincidence but I knew you came to my house purposely on that day...
Luck is on our side this time, but I wonder until when will it be on our side.
Thank you so much... for making time for me even though you had many things to take care.... Thank you so much for waiting me patiently...

I will be always happy from now on because I know there are family, best friends and you who will always love me... even if the whole world ignores me and leave me behind.

For You

I dreamt about you. Even in the dream, you were sad because of my actions again. It gave me so much pain to see you like that.

During this past three years, I have been lacking so much in treating you.
I received so much love (more than anyone in the world except my family has given to me), but I couldn't return equally.
I know I am selfish and only cared my feelings most. I tried my best, however things didn't always happen as I wanted to.
Family problems, depressions and confused feelings - it was beyond my capabilities to handle well.
Now that I let you go, I hope you to meet a girl better than me.
I can't keep this friendship, I can't keep this relationship. I have to stop my feelings for you, and yes I am trying to do so.

The most painful thing for a person is to think over the past memories with someone after parting. It'd be so selfish for me to ask you not to forget me, remember me and think about me.
If possible, just try to be selfish. Forget me. Forget all those memories. Please be happy and don't feel anything - sadness, guilty or regrets.

The best gift I can give to you will be to show me living well without you.
And for your request to not forget you, I won't forget your birthday, your kindness and some special little things about you.
However, I may forget about my feelings and memories about you and about us.
They may be disapperared from my memory and heart - like snowflakes .. like sands carried by the wind.

After the storm, there is always a sunshine. May the sun shine on you brightly after all these struggles.

Random xxxxx

Had a little fight with my sis while preparing for dinner. Drove me so mad and I just slept and skipped dinner. It ended up she not cooking dinner and ate anyhow, me sleeping till 12am and woke up. Great! Who asked you to keep blaming me for everything???  Who asked you to assume that those are the things I should definitely do. Please have a little cooperation !! I'd rather live alone than having my mood spoiled everyday by you. Garrrrrrr

And days pass really slow when I am waiting for great events. Counting down .. 24 more days . =)
I hope to see you so much. I really hope we can reunite this time. Not only with you, I just wish me, theint, wityi, poe thar and you can meet again like those old days and hang out. How can you all change so much and dislike each other when we all used to be good friends? You all won't know but those days we studied, played around and had meals together in just a short time of three months -- were the happiest moments of my life. We got up early on weekends for study, we fought crazily while sharing food and we laughed with the same heart together. Does our friendship still exist or it stopped since October 2008, the last time we hanged out together.

I seems to live in the past. I don't hate the present me, but I just wish I can still keep things like it used to be in the past. But in reality, it is harder than I thought.

Anyway, you all are friends for me forever.

Christmas and New Year Memories

I know it's too late to write, but anyway I want to record the special memories of this Christmas and New Year.

Well, nothing so special on this Christmas. I met with Theint Theint, went shopping and had a great time with her. She seems to like here - the clean place, the sense of freedom (without a need to care other ppl's looks) and other things. But the funny thing is she always converts S$ to MM kyats and doesn't want to buy things. She is the type to buy a lot when we go shopping. The high prices might shock her. :D  We just went to Bugis and then came back around 5pm.

The next good event was going to USS with my brother, Theint and sis KP. Special thanks to my brother to accompany us and being nice to my friend even though he just got to know her. I really want social skills like him. The experience is really great, especially the rides. Transformer ride is the new coolest ride to try. Even though the queue was terribly long, the joys we had covered it up. But next time, I will make sure to buy express tickets, or may be arrange to go on weekdays.

Needless to say, my New Year Night was fun filled! The first time to celebrate New Year with friends and had fun. In Yangon, I was always at home and just did countdown with family. In the last three years, I was also at my sister's house and watched fireworks. This time really is the best countdown moment I have ever did. Karaoke with friends before Countdown, me and sis KP really had a great time shouting our heart out with best songs. :D (My singing skill really sucks! >_<)  . The large crowd leading to Countdown area is really no joke. We had to stop several times and kept moving to reach there. It was worth it anyway... The fireworks with music background was fantastic - the best I can ask for.When would be the next time we can ever have this kinda event and fun together? Seeing those firework, my mind feel really pleasant.  ^_^   I called my parents afterward, passing Myanmar New Year time with them on the air. :)

December - you have been really good to me this year. Thanks for all the good memories.

And 2013 , welcome you from the bottom of my heart. I have many plans to do in 2013. I hope everything turns out well, and I hope I can stay strong and overcome all the difficulties too. Happy New Year!