Tired

I am really tired of this.. Actually , I hate myself most. Only if I was not stubborn and could control myself more, I would not be feeling like now.. My mind is really complicated now, and I am forbidding myself currently, being afraid that I would be doing mistakes and hurting people again and again.. No people can understand it.
So far I have walked through this path , I had many confusions and depressions, and I always doubt myself whether I could make up myself and face all the problems. And I am currently doubting myself again...
However , since the day I held your hand, it is not possible to turn back. Thinking I would lose You, I found losing myself,and there is no me in that imagination.. It is really difficult to turn back....

I want some strength .. I need some motivation and supports. But why are you not the one who is giving me strength ? Recently, why are you so down? and why I had to show and pretend like I am ok? Why? why?

Actually, I am so down down more than you...